Goodbye, 2009!

You sucked. I hated you. You were by far the worst year of my life. More bad, depressing shit happened in 2009 than in any other year, except maybe for '05. I wasted 9 months of this year with a guy who, aside from making me cry every other day, spending all my money, and trashing my stuff- finally admitted what I always suspected- that he has always thought I was fat & ugly and was only with me cause he thought he was 'supposed' to be. I haven't been able to hold a job, I got even fatter, and I hate myself more than I ever have in my entire life.

I've given a lot of thought to 2010 & what I'll do differently.

1. I'm gonna learn math.

When I was in school, I excelled in every subject EXCEPT math. The school told my parents I had an Einstein-level IQ. I tested highest in my grade in science from 6th grade onward & was considered gifted. Biology was FUN for me. And don't even get me started on English class. My 11th grade teacher once said it would be a crime if I didn't become a writer. I can spell ANY word in the English language, even words I've never heard before(It's almost savant-esque). I can learn to read & write a whole new alphabet within days(I taught myself Cyrillic in 2 days). I even get PHYSICS for Chrissakes- but I'm practically LD in math. I can do the basic functions but beyond pre-algebra I'm useless. It's not that I can't learn it- I can learn ANY mathematical functions but for some reason I will invariably forget it within 5 minutes. Well, @#$% that. I'm sick of feeling mildly terrified everytime I think about numbers. I'm gonna learn math once & for all, goddamnit. I'll start with algebra. Thats 2010's math goal- learn algebra to the point where I can solve any algebraic equation without help. And if I achieve this goal before the year is out- I'll start on geometry next. After that- who knows! Calculus, trig, etc. There are no limits. Screw being a math-tard. I wanna be a well-rounded geek.

2. I'm gonna lose weight.

Since 07, I have gained 40 pounds. FORTY POUNDS. If I don't lose weight, I WILL commit suicide. No more fatty foods, no more Big Gulp trifectas every day, no more not giving a shit what I look like. I'm gonna get hot if I have to become bulimic, damnit.

3. I'm going to cease self-destructive behaviors. (Yes, I realize the irony of this statement after the last sentence of #2)

No more going back to bad exes just cause I wanna see if 'love' can solve our problems. The thought "But he LOVES me!" will be forever forbidden from entering my mind. No more doing 'nice' things to people who I KNOW won't appreciate it. No more associating with losers. And no more not taking care of my body. This ties into the previous goal. I'm going to eat better & take various nutritional supplements. I'm only 29 but my joints already hurt & I feel sluggish all the time. It's time to do something about it. I don't wanna be 40 years old with the body of a 60 year old.

4. I am going to CHERISH my real friends.

Matt, Tiffany, Steve, Ted(just to name a few), etc- I will NEVER again disappear from your lives. You have all been too tolerant of my flakiness and I promise I will never pull that shit on you again no matter what.

That's all I can think of for now. Any suggestions?